cappascap

cappascap @ 2009-10-22T11:24:00

2009-10-22T18:25:10Z

fuck, that woman always has a way of ruining my mood.

updates.

2009-10-22T18:17:11Z

I can't say I remember the last time I've even gone on this site to read a friend's entry. Maybe I was in Irvine. I can't say.

LJ is a place that can tolerate my bitchiness, my emoness, my whining. My other site can't. So I thought this entry would be more appropriate here.

How many times have I written about the complexity of my relationship with my mother? Too many times to count. It's frustrating to think of ways to deal with her because it's absolutely beyond me. I can deal with situations where I may disagree with someone, but in this case, the status of my relationship with said person is such that I hit a brick wall of frustration and hopelessness before falling into the never-ending hole in my heart of resignation and sadness. It never really goes away. For the most part, it hides itself in my room, in my baking, in my chores, anywhere that means walking away from her. Sitting still forces me to recognize the fact that, though she may love me, she doesn't like me very much. Though she may be proud of the person I will become, the present person - though I do attempt to help around the house to gain like points with her (yes, like points) - doesn't do enough around the house and she would really appreciate more help. Not that she has started training her boys how to pick up after themselves, either.

So instead of like points, I get neutral points. That would be the best way to describe them. When I do help out, she doesn't notice. She also doesn't yell. However, this does delay my negative points, where she yells at me that she would like help around the house. Not more help, mind you. She ignores the help that I do attempt to give her and focuses on what I don't do. She's frustrating and it makes me nervous to be around her. I wish I was exaggerating. But most of my feelings are exaggerations, anyway. In any case, being around her makes me uneasy.

I really wish it wasn't like this. I have friends who act like they like me. I'm funny. I say ridiculous things. Instead of rolling their eyes at me, they laugh. They find a way to use their nice tone around me. You know, I'm not asking her to be my friend. I'm not that desperate. And I don't expect her to coddle me, either. But if she could just be nice to me like I want to be nice to her. If I could just feel some of the warmth that she has for my littlest brother so that I wouldn't be so on-edge around her, I think something could grow from that. If I could feel that I wasn't always an annoying bother to her, some sort of pest, it would really help my self esteem, too. But (without sarcasm), that may be asking too much.

I really try to not ask for much. I'm making something for her trip tomorrow "with the girls" not for brownie points, but for my own point system. It would really make me feel less like shit and less likely to cry under the pool table, thinking dark thoughts.

cappascap @ 2009-08-22T19:10:00

2009-08-23T02:53:10Z

i wish the sun would stay like this. actually, i wish it would stay where it was maybe an hour ago. around that time, the condo is usually lit by the sun coming from the west window... there's only one west window. i was going to look up the direction through google when i realized that the sun sets from east to west. it's in the window. it's setting. therefore it's the west window.

and now, there's no more sun. it's not dark, just hidden behind the trees and other condos in this complex.

anyway, when the sun it where it's suppose to be, where i prefer it, it relaxes me.

is this some sort of metaphor?

believe me, i'm trying to figure this out as i write. when i woke up, i woke up hot like i usually do. i had my fan on, as usual, but the sunroof and lack of windows in the loft overwhelm my ambitious fan. it hasn't died yet. i'm surprised, considering how long i keep it on. it was hot downstairs, too - even with the windows open. but when the sun is setting and striking an annoying-but-hardly-blinding streak on my face from the couch, it's never as hot anymore. to my left, east, i guess, the screen window that had previously allowed warm air to infiltrate is now much calmer. it's like it can tell the night is coming and it's preparing. i like the night. it's much more quiet than the day.

but when the sun is in the west window, there's such a bright, hazy glow that seems to fill the entire room. it's not like normal light. it's such a pretty, orange color.

when that's over though, and my moment of calm passes, i'm still in the same place i was before. on my computer, looking at non-profits and jobs in monterey, weighing the options of staying in irvine versus moving back home for three months. if that is the case, i'm only giving myself three months. i need money and i need experience. i think i'll miss the hazy glow from this window. and the light traces of jasmine that no one seems to notice before i mention it. i will miss the walks with my friends, but that passed a few months ago. i am afraid that if i leave and come back, my friends will have found a way of replacing me. it happened when i went to france and was lost. i don't think i replaced them. i specifically remember wishing that i could replace them, then realizing that they couldn't be replaced because they were just too awesome. but when i came back, and it hurt because i didn't and couldn't see them as much, i slowly made new friends, whom i adore. it doesn't take away from the love i have for my old friends, or the memories i've shared with them, but it was just more convenient. time and convenience, the recipe to good friends.

so if i come back, and they have their own friends, own lives, apart from me, then that's okay. they're supposed to. as am i. i don't even know if it's even irvine i'll be coming back to. san diego was fun.

who knows. like i've said before, this resignation makes me feel dead inside. it feels like growing up.

keep hope alive..

2009-08-22T02:55:25Z

so... I'm not depending on that internship. i'm not sure i ever really was. i mean, i worked a relatively long time on it, and it would have been nice, but they haven't called so.... i'll deal. i guess i'm at that point where i just have to roll with it, with everything. instead of pushing against what i don't like.

i feel like i'm dying, like i'm losing my fight in me. i want very much to fight against something, but when i think about it, i'm only fighting against myself.

i'm trying not to be a perfectionist, anymore. with singing, yeah... because you won't hear me singing. but with writing, i don't strive for perfection. i've learned to work with what i have and fix later. actually, i'm still learning. everything is a constant effort.

i will miss school. not this fulfilling my breadth crap that i have to do, but the other stuff... the fun stuff, i want back. seeing my cousin and how happy he is, it reminds me of how happy i was when i got here. it was such an exciting and terrifying experience. a few days ago i was excited, thinking about all the possibilities. but now... i don't know.

i'm thinking about going back home for three months.. to get some money. by "get", i mean save up. and get my license. yeah, there's the whole problem with that. i didn't get my license in time, and now i have to take my permit test again and it's all just such a bitch. i just don't know how long i'll be able to be there without all hell breaking loose. or i could stay here. idk. i know i could be an intern (bitch) at some paper at home, probably.

and i know, i've been going back and forth for the past few months, maybe years... since i've come back from France everything has been crashing down as the end of this chapter of my life has been making itself known. i would hate listening to myself, too. only thing is, i can't turn my head off.

cappascap @ 2009-08-11T23:43:00

2009-08-12T06:45:44Z

i'm writing a song for my intern app due tomorrow. i'm terrified i can't/won't finish in time. it can only imply that i have no motivation of my own now the college is over. i don't think that's true. still, it feels like people are working so much harder than i am at things. this can't possibly be the case all the time.

even if i do finish my song, that doesn't mean i'm done with the rest of my application.

august 12, here i come.

calm down... deep breaths.

2009-07-09T06:53:24Z

I'm confused. I've been confused for forever.It's weird how I'm always whiny on here. Seriously, I'm never usually whiny on my moleskin journal. But then again, writing on paper is just better. You don't get those computer-cancer headaches. I've had a headache for days... since I've came back from home. Maybe I have some sort of virus. But I don't feel sick.

Driving lessons here will cost me $600. I told my mom over the phone and she started sighing a lot over the phone and talking about paying back loans. I think she knows that it triggers some guilt sentiment in my mind that says, "just go home and save money." I wish there was a cheaper alternative. She was going to give me $300 for graduation, so I have that... but the rest I'm not so sure of. I wanted to stay here. Yes, because it's easy. Yes, because my cousin is coming here in the fall. Yes, because I told my littles, I told my friends. Yes, because I'm terrified of being sucked into the black hole that is Monterey County*.

I cried on my way to the airport this weekend after spending time with my family. It's this life of sunshine and friends and nonprofits where I can make a difference or it's home, where all my family is, where my ex-friends are, a place where I become more and more alienated from the longer I'm away. When I think of home, I think of my family. I miss them, I like seeing my family from the bay, but they aren't making my decisions, I am. It's not fair to do this to me. Because I don't understand the place I come from. And when my youth comes back to me... being honked at during my walks home from middle school, the anger and resentment I felt living at home, not being able to talk about how everything wasn't okay and not wanting to go home... I can't do that anymore. I've blocked so much of that out of who I am now. I just don't understand. Maybe I never did.

And now money is an issue because now and for the rest of my life, money will always be an issue. So do I go home? Do I stay here? Anyone who has anything to say, please do. I feel like running away, though you can't run away from the rest of your life. I think this is why I grind my teeth at night. And why my headache will not go away.

Education is supposed to prepare you for the rest of your life. Now that I think I know what I want, it's stopping me.

*It's a black hole... to me. You could say the same for Orange. It can get pretty awful.

cappascap @ 2009-06-02T09:30:00

2009-06-02T16:31:47Z

i freaked out again. i feel so dead and nonfunctional.

cappascap @ 2009-06-01T08:23:00

2009-06-01T15:58:45Z

i prayed for a few days in a row two weeks ago. friday, i balanced my chakras and it felt oh so good. and then now i'm trying to meditate. i know this doesn't really work out logically, but i'm just trying to do what i can understand.

anyway, i was up all night again. i'm considering joining the peace corps. two and a half years of m life in another country to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my real life. do i really want fidm? at the bottom of everything (if that's what the phrase is,) i don't think that's what i want. i want to be happy. but i also want a job that pays me money, not songs or sprinkles and donuts... though i would like a donut right now... or sprinkles. and they have a good program for jobs, because women are materialistic. we always want to look pretty. and there will always be a need for makeup. unless we have another depression and makeup supplies start going to the war effort.

it's possible and not completely off tangent, i think. but if it is, i'm sorry. i'm sleepy. it's 8:30 and i haven't slept.

well, i wanted to write about peace corps, and i did. so i'm done? and sleeeepy.

cappascap @ 2009-05-19T03:37:00

2009-05-19T11:16:06Z

the last time i updated this was three weeks ago. i don't even remember. i'll have to check my last entry.... i don't remember it.

i've been avoiding writing in here. i feel like my life isn't that interesting maybe to begin with or something. or maybe i just feel like this is a waste. but i'm starting to feel like i'm scared. that for some reason or another, i just can't reflect on myself. because honestly, i like my life. i love my friends. i get frustrated at times, but that's normal. i've been really stressed out about my paper, so i avoid it. i was looking at my wall of post-its, also known as Jocelyn's wall of internal disaster and mayhem, where i have all the bits and pieces of my thesis (it might not be all of it). so i was looking at it and it was like one ounce of terror going through my body. so i went to go brush my teeth. and as i was going through the hypothetical situation in my head of my biological dad surprising me out of the blue one day (it really is one of my fears. and i do like to torture myself this way), it suddenly occurred to me that i can't remember a time where i've seen my mom and biological father talk to each other. i remember an instance where my dad was talking to him when i was little and i was surprised at how civil it was. but i specifically remember my mom being in the next room. i remembered this because if this hypothetical situation ever did occur, i would call my mom. she thinks that she's not involved anymore in the decisions that i choose to make, but i feel like when it comes to this, she just stopped. she never left me much to work with. i have a biological father that i don't know and don't feel comfortable getting to know because i just feel stuck. there is no connection between my mom and biological father other than me and i don't even feel it. they're like strangers, stuck involuntarily to each other because of me. they may not know it, but it will always be there. there's a giant elephant in the fucking room because they totally know it, but won't fess up to it.

i know what my mom wants me to do. she wants it to stay like this. and okay, maybe i won't go around blaming her and saying that it would bother her life because i do believe she has my best interests at heart, but i wish she would stop pretending to be switzerland. what is up with that, anyway? allowing me to choose? are you trying to do what your mother didn't let you do? i don't get that.

sometimes i think he's forgotten about me. but i'd like to think that i reappear sometimes. as a little girl, maybe. i mean, of course he doesn't know me. but he knows the ideal of me. and ideals are pretty. i don't have an ideal of him. the only reason i remembered him tonight was because i was looking at my hands and then realized that i hate my thumbs only because he said that i had his thumbs. (i don't, btw. if anything, it's a mix between the two.)i remembered i hated that comment the moment he said it. and that makes me really sad because how am i supposed to hold hate for someone i don't even know? i only hold hate for what he represents. my chakras are so fucked up and muddied. it's like i can feel it. i hate my old stupid new age crap.

so as i was thinking all of this, it occurred to me how messed up this all is. i've never seen my mom confront this, much like i choose not to confront a lot. and me not confronting my mother about this is just one of those things i choose not to confront. and i would never willingly contact my biological father without fixing me and my mom, first.

the point of the story is, that while i was thinking all of this and crying, i was also simultaneously having a panic attack. i started breathing heavily, i got lightheaded, the room got a bit dizzy. i put my head between my legs and got better after awhile.

and while i do think this is an important issue that one day i may be forced to address, i mostly think that the panic attack was due to looking at the mayhem wall for too long.

cappascap @ 2007-12-13T02:42:00

2007-12-13T02:15:35Z

maybe this will be a full-entry, maybe not. why lie? i was leaning more towards the not because i have a presentation tomorrow by myself in french aussi qu'un examen final de l'union europeenne. je n'ai pas le desir a l'etudier. mais, il faut que je fasse quelque chose pour la presentation demain. i want to not pass the final for UE. i just don't care. i don't want to study. maybe i'll look over some stuff. whatever.

tant pis pour moi. j'avais une cig in my little case all this time and, grace a patrick, it's gone. he told me of his habit... i'm sure it's only for finals... with most of us, it's usually during finals. it just feels really good. i've been so stressed lately, and i drank for that. stupid me. and not being able to sleep? that would've help me with that problem, too. too bad i waited until now to realize all this.

i think i may know why i have this "travel, travel, travel" mentality. before, i had always attributed it to my mom and her "fun days" ended quickly. you know what i mean. once you have a kid, you just have different priorities... ones that aren't so selfish. en tout cas, je me souviens quand j'etais petite et je suis allee a la maison de ma grand-mere. she didn't have many vhs tapes to watch other than the ones i brought over, but the ones that she did have... i remember them now. she had a couple of travel tapes of different countries. the one i remember is egypt. i just have this vision in my mind of watching this tape as it slowly panned a pyramid or something. i think i remembered asking her what the tape was or why she had it. she said she knew she wasn't going to go there, but she could learn about it through the tape.

so there's the story of the first type of tape she had. now for the irrelevant. she had these religious tapes for us to watch - me and my cousin(s). i think i was the one to mostly watch them. and before anyone goes off that brainwashing brainwashing tangent, they were good for me. my mom wasn't very religious. she lives off of what's right more than what's "right." my grandma told me she was catholic, my mom was catholic, but because i wasn't baptized, was only of catholic-religion. it's funny how i remember that. i didn't really realize what that meant, only that i could run around saying that i was catholic-religious. really. it was a religion to me. whatever. what really is religion when you're seven? i would rather be promoted the ideas of good and true than be told that God will blah blah if i blah blah.

anyway, they were cartoons, so of course i liked them. and though they were a bit big on the saints, i liked it anyway. i liked learning about kris kringel.anyway, i don't plan on sleeping. maybe an hour nap? long night. i plan on sleeping tomorrow. wish me luck. a plus.

cappascap @ 2007-12-12T01:53:00

2007-12-12T01:47:11Z

in less than two weeks, it will all be over. and most of me cannot wait and is antsy and impatient. then there's the other side of me... the side of me that will take over once i'm all settled and alone in irvine, that will want all of this back.

i don't know. the tram.. after the creeper incident... makes me paranoid. but passing through victor hugo and seeing all the christmas stuff and lights and set up shops, it makes it feel more like home. it makes france feel like something i can understand. i absolutely would hate living here any longer. firstly, because i've gotten so excited about leaving and second because i just don't think france can function properly. like, at all.

and then, when i think about leaving and returning back to my real life... i don't know. i have all these plans. rather, i have plans of making all of these plans. i want to travel, but i don't know why. i don't know what that means. ideally, i would love the idea of going abroad again but this time, to an english-speaking country. i would want to experience that atmosphere and the students. you won't get that at a summer travel program. but, i can't leave my friends again. they only have so much time left at school and i want to experience it with them. and what does it mean if my friends have all these great memories together while i think i'm cool by traveling abroad. then i'll be the absent friend who always goes abroad with less and less possibilities of making memories with the people i do adore.

i've always lived with a plan. my plan was to go to college. then i got here and i've been lost and searching ever since. it's funny because when i think of college, it's always been second nature for me to go. i feel like i was born and knew it. but i've never really gotten pressure from my parents (to do anything with myself, really.) they just got really lucky because i do what they hope i would do. i think. maybe it was school and the GATE program. because once those teachers put ideas in my head, oh how i loved to abide by them. i guess it just stuck that way. i've never really thought there was another option... like not going to school. What is that? and i was always that kid who wanted to best. i hated math, but took calculus. i tried chem, but since there really weren't science competency levels (like pre-alg to geometry to algebra, stats, blah blah,) i gave up on that quick. it was hard.

anyway, all this thought on plans... it has me thinking about my brothers and their plans. they're young, i know. but i have been planning college since third grade? i was precocious, what can i say. but then again, i knew about my mom and how she was young when she had me. i knew how i spent the first 5 years of my life without a father really around. but that there was someone who used to be around that told me he was my dad, and when my mom remarried, there was someone who acted like my dad. and being brought up with my grandparents as a major part of the picture. i knew from school and full house that that wasn't how a family was usually run. but then again, i learned from full house that it was okay.

i sound like i'm getting off tangent, but what i'm trying to say is that, when my brothers came into this world, they entered with a nuclear family already in place. they had their mother and father, as well as an older sister who adored them/envied all the attention they received. maybe it changes a lot. maybe when you're born and raised comfortably, it changes a lot of factors. the eldest of my brothers, he's in ninth grade. i have been pushing since summer school to get him into the GATE program. apparently, you can enter it sophomore year... that was the same case for some of my friends when i was in high school. and i have been pushing his curious and instigating mind towards college maybe since i started? My other brother, he just entered middle school and doesn't really know what he's going to do. he's thinking about joining the army... and my dad's okay with that. i mean, he himself was in the marines, but.... i don't know. i mean, isn't part of the american dream that, once you start climbing the social ladder, you have other people fight your wars? that's very irvine-minded of me to say. but seriously, when you have the opportunity to send all your children to college, wouldn't you want that? i'm overanalyzing this. i'm worrying too much. i worry about this brother... chris, a lot. he only needs a plan because i say he needs a plan. because it makes me feel safe. because if he doesn't have a plan then i'm here, in the middle of the night, writing about how he needs a plan. he's just different from my other brothers... not as focused, tempermental, or socailly-minded. i swear, if my mom says i'm just like him one more time, i will be pissed... just like she wants.

ugh, now i'm worried about him. i love him. he is ridiculously funny. i'm just scared that if he gets in the wrong crowd, there's really no turning back. maybe he should join the army... but work at a desk or something... or when it's safer. ...moreeee nervous.

the youngest... he pretty much adores me. i'm setting him in the right direction... corection, my direction. i don't know if it's right. because i'm here, wondering about my new plans. i just think college, gives you the opportunity to give you the most options as possible.

i don't think the last sentence sounds right, but i'm sleepy now. love you, journal. that doesn't sound right, either. k bye, journal.

cappascap @ 2007-12-08T02:51:00

2007-12-08T02:12:37Z

So... I've realized I'm one of those people who don't care about other peoples' opinions. That is, unless they're funny. I usually don't like a lot of things unless they're funny.

Anyway, back to the point. We could get along great, but if you don't have that wonderful wonderful thing that makes me click with you, it's pretty much over. There could be a part-click, but that doesn't work either. In that case, I may find little to nothing wrong with you in particular, it just won't work out for me. And I will hang out with you for as long as I need to - I may even be anticipating the day you leave - but once it's done, it's done.

I'm an awful person. I know I don't have to be. There are times when I'm not. I can be wholesome and stuff. Just thinking about other peoples' opinions bother me. I mean, then you get to know a person and see what makes them tick and why would you want to do that? (That was a long sentence.) I don't get it. The sooner you get to know someone, the sooner you get sick of them. Maybe other people aren't as much of a bitch as I am. Maybe other people give people a chance. I mean, I give new people a chance. And when they stop being new, they start getting old. (I liked that. Clever.) There are people that get you and people that don't. I have tried. I have.

My mom, she's social. She has her network. She knows her people. She didn't like that I was shy. Although, with my parents, it's hard to be not-shy. They are pretty outgoing people without being excessive about it.

I don't know. I've liked to think I've changed my ways. I've joined a million clubs at school. I am more social. And I have friends that I like that I'll never be close to, I have some close friends, I've walked between groups. I'm just not sure what's better. Having a lot of friends that you don't attach yourself to or having your close friends. Maybe I just haven't mastered that social butterfly skill my mother has got down.

Being without my close friends is making me crazy. I miss my brothers. I miss the familiar. I'm just so antsy.

About this opinions thing... maybe I'm just distracted and can't handle it right now. Maybe it's just that there are people here that I wouldn't hang out with ever back home. I'm not nice, I know. But I care about certain things and certain peoples' opinions. And that's my opinion on things that matter so everyone else can just suck it.

cappascap @ 2007-12-07T21:39:00

2007-12-07T20:49:41Z

Sometimes, I think I can be an overachiever. I'm realizing that I can't do everything, though I want to. I applied to be a peer mentor to a foreign student when I get back to school. First thought: maybe this will redeem my experience here in France. Don't get me wrong, France is amazing and beautiful. But by no means has it "done right" by me. I don't love this place, but I've gotten used to a way of life here. I will miss getting around by tram. Taking little trips with just a backpack on my shoulders. To say I'll never come back to Grenoble is scary. I mean, it's Grenoble. It's my post. It's where my clothes are. More importantly, when my clothes are all packed up and in the states, it's where I learned to be more independent. I actually walked to school without getting lost. I've become not completely incompetent with directions. I've dealed with this stupid strike. The snowy mountains and Toussaint. Oh Grenoble, how you frustrate me. You can't travel like this back home.

Second thought: this could look good on a resume.

I definitely have to drop science or math in order to survive this quarter (winter 08)

cappascap @ 2007-11-29T02:27:00

2007-11-29T01:47:11Z

so before i do something stupid like finish my only real homework assignment since i've been here that is due tomorrow, i would prefer to explain to you my situation in france. we are still greve mode (on strike.) it was suppose to be over soon but for some reason there is suppose to be a manifestation tomorrow on the tram lines. but nothing can be confirmed. and while this may be particularly cool... as in, "not going to class a cause de la greve is wicked cool," it's not. it began maybe two weeks ago and i am going crazy. in the beginning, i would take the tram - a thirty minute ride - to school. i live in grenoble, then you pass through la ville de la tronche, then saint-martin d'heres, where the school is. three cities. you walk to your building. you notice a blockade of some sort of it. you realize there is no class because of this. waking up and getting ready for no reason sucks.

anyway, it's been two weeks and i've gotten used to it. we get emails now to tell us when class will begin again. it keeps changing. one greve had no school for three months.

anyway, i live in a hotel. the maintenance guy, antoine is really nice. i pay 6 euros total for laundry. it's very cheap for france. if it weren't for him, i would pay 9 or 10. he lets me put my laundry in the dryer downstairs for the bed sheets and stuff. i'm pretty sure he lets all the eap people here do that (only 3.)

christine was being mean again. she's our eap teacher. she says we have no motivation. she tells me i'm right only to say something else in public. i guess she can correct herself. it's just very confusing. she said the midterm was very clear and she couldn't understand that after all the foreign students she has taught, we got the lowest grade ever. EVER. EVERRRRR. i want my life to be funny again. no, that's not it. i want to make fun of people. no, that's mean.

as pretty as france is, and believe me, it's gorgeous. i'm counting down the days to go home (24). i may not be upset homesick but i miss home terribly. there's really only around twelve days left of school. i really better start studying. maybe if i'm ever not in a rush, i can start writing pretty again.

speaking of... i made a comment about pretty the other day and someone told me that should be the name of my autobiography. it makes sense. that really is how i think. so here is the title of my autobio (and don't steal it!)

"I don't know... it looked pretty." (c)2007 !!!

cappascap @ 2007-11-21T02:11:00

2007-11-21T01:24:06Z

i don't know if i've always known this, or if it came to me just today... but i have a reason for being utterly miserable. there's only one thing i've ever really wanted to do, but because i never got any real support for it, i have tried replacing it. and it's awful. i don't want to write and report and interview for the rest of my freaking life.

saying what it is i would rather do, is something i prefer not saying. it just makes it more real. it makes me more miserable. and when i see people doing this thing, and seeing their joy and hope pour out of them, it really makes me die a little inside. after witnessing it today, i just had to take one of those depressed naps. you know, the kind where you realize that everything is meaningless because you know you could be doing something that makes you completely happy. like drugs. if anything, this is the reason why i will become a frequent drug user.

life isn't bad. i love my friends and family and school and blah. i want my fucking happiness. give me my room and piano and leave me the fuck alone.

cappascap @ 2007-11-09T16:15:00

2007-11-09T15:26:49Z

say anything - alive with the spirit of love
the notwist - consequence
holiday parade

emma burgess
matt nathanson

aside from the last two artists, the man of the hour hour plays really good songs on their podcasts by relatively unknown artists and they are amazing. so listen to it. okay, i like the fact that the hosts are a part of simple plan - my closet loves. i loves them. lots. okay, so one is the guitarist and vocals for simple plan... and the other guy is their merch/webmaster/bffz/video/co-founder of clothing line.

okay, so here are the directions, beeotch.

go on itunes, search "idobi radio" and on the right hand corner, there will be a little square with two guys on it... so click on it and download all their podcasts. it's fun. they have a french episode. and they're canadian. hongybearz... i'm talking to you.

hahahahah. it's fun.

ps: they almost never talk about simple plan. so i'm NOT a nerd. i'm NOT.

cappascap @ 2007-11-05T20:14:00

2007-11-05T19:17:33Z

memo to self: jessica asked me to be a candle holder for her birthday. this means that i have to say a little something-somthing. yayy beerrrr

cappascap @ 2007-10-23T00:17:00

2007-10-22T22:18:07Z

okay, here's the deal. i think i've been subconsciously sabotaging myself. as fun as being in france may be, i don't want to be here. crazy, omg... i know. right now, i'm just angry and my hands are feeling warm - but that's probably because i just opened a beer and started drinking. i was just about to type in french. weird, right? maybe i'll change my mind in a few days after the expose. but as of right now, with my oral expose thing and paper and article read due wednesday and my french grammar midterm tomorrow, it's like there's no end in sight. that, and i have gone for two consecutive weeks to a class where i had to sign in - a class which is a part of the 21 units that i am required to take.

i am sabotage...........

we have to speak in that class. i have another expose that i must do in order to pass that class. the rest of the class is based on talking. i have never talked in class. and how coincidental is it that my sickness has to do with throat? although, i did get up in time for that class last week, i was feeling horrible and dizzy and my body was doing weird things. i thought i was going to die. alone. in france. i am already alone. in france.

and now i'm freaking out about european union because everyone is giving me a reason to freak out about it and the structure... and how it must be french structure, IN french. look, i can barely speak french. i can barely write it. the most french i read at school was around five pages, and even then, i whined. we were made to read almost a page a page at school... almost. why am i here? and now i have to write in YOUR structure and YOUR ideas - that i can barely read from your 240 something page book. i don't know how. i don't concentrate.

i have a meeting with my professor director wednesday. everyone does. just mine is wednesday. we must discuss the classes i will take. he's going to give me slack about taking englishness - the only class i adore here. of course. my prof is english. and taking a class in my maternal language gives me a sense of control. otherwise, i would go crazy and be even more depressed... or sad. whatever. just bring me home. he might ask why would i want to take a class in english when i'm in france. and honestly, i don't know why i didn't go to england. the pound? i didn't know about how expensive it was back then. if i told him that i barely want to be here, i would end up crying like i have with everyone else. i have barely met any french people. BARELY. i am fucking sick of going to a fucking country where it has to be like this. my friends live in a dorm. all three of them in the same dorm. and even they say that it's hard meeting french people there. the french say hi, and that's pretty much it. i want a reason to stay here. a good reason.

i'm staying here till the end, if i can help it. encouragement helps, though.

back to effing studying. barely. and then paper and then movie? and knitting? maybe. i miss my brothers and my home.

je manque les choses qui sont les miens. j'ai rien ici.

cappascap @ 2007-10-18T17:45:00

2007-10-18T15:51:22Z

so guess who's a liar. it's not me...i like telling the truth - a lot. major gossip whore, remember?

my doctor is a liar. she finally told me today that my "antidepresseurs" are to sleep better when i told her... i TOLD her i had no problems sleeping. well, prior to this week. but that's because i'm sicky. i was sad... and she gave me sleeping pills. well.. i understand. if people came to me upset, i'd want to give them sleeping pills, too. but harsh ones, so they could pass out in my office and i could light a cigarette and blow smoke in their face before walking out to take a break.

or not. i just have a really good imagination.

cappascap @ 2007-10-17T22:22:00

2007-10-17T20:43:09Z

so... despite me being in france, i think that my desire to know french has dwindled. i mean, i want to KNOW french. i just dont want to learn. i want to communicate. i just don't want to get these huge headaches in class.

i've also been reading less. it's so hard trying to take in so much at once. i also comprehend less when it comes to reading... or maybe it's because i'm understanding more at a faster rate... or i'm doing better at understand people speak? i don't know. i just hope i'm getting better in something.

cappascap @ 2007-10-07T23:49:00

2007-10-07T22:29:16Z

So I need a break from my homework. Not that I actually work on it, but well... I'm sad. So fuck homework.

At least, I think I'm sad. And before I start going into what is it to be sad and where it stems from - if it actually comes from me and my negativity or this thing called serotonin that I just don't have sometimes, you should realize that right now, I'm not actually sad. I'm just in a very contemplative place. This is because I have been to the health center her where they gave me something called euphytose. Look, I was really hesitant to take it. They talked to me a bit, looked at a big phonebook of different types of pills before giving me a prescription of something. I mean, I've cried every time I've talked to some professional and have said that "I'm sad." Meanwhile, the doctor lady who I was told speaks very good English - no - says it's because I'm all alone here over and over again.

So now I have these pills that look like poop colored m&m's. I wish they could be a pretty color like purple. But I guess you shouldn't be encouraged to take anti-depressants in the first place. For a box of 40, it was 3 something euros. That is pretty cheap. Then again you consider that I have to take 2 pills 3 times a day... still. wellbutrin was 30 pills, one once a day, for 25 dollars?

I'm convinced that I am situationally depressed. I mean, that's why I took them in the first place. I just don't know how to deal with these sort of situations. I'm a child, it's ridiculous.

I say that I just want to go home, but when I'm home I think that I never want to stay there for another summer. My brothers make it worth it, though. It really kind of breaks my heart. My family is still growing and I feel like I'm missing out. I guess that if I stayed watching them, when would I grow up? I just need to trust that they will be fine despite... life. My last day in Lyon, I woke up with the most awfulest dream that something bad happened to my mom. I was broken and shocked and... I think broken describes it best. I quit school and went to a tech school to help take care of my brothers. I just don't understand it. At all. I need her till infinity to the point where I just want to wrap my arms around her legs and never let go. I'm so scared and apparently, paranoid. Coming back from Europe and leaving school was obviously not a problem, of course. For my family, I would do anything. I just need her.

My parents are/were in Reno this weekend. I just wanted to tell my mom to be careful, but... I'm not the parent here. On the train ride back to Grenoble, I was still shocked. I even started crying. That's not surprising, though. It's gotten to the point where I could try on the tram without anyone noticing.

So... voila. Here are the magic pills that make everything not so harsh. Or so I think. It really doesn't matter what they do. Only what I think they do. As long as I think they can make everything stop turning dark, the walls from narrowing in, and keep my breathing at a constant pace, I'm fine. I accept that I can still be sad. I accept I can still cry. Just not the dark kind of sad. That is no good.

cappascap @ 2007-10-05T15:18:00

2007-10-05T13:19:38Z

btw, i hate french

more later.

cappascap @ 2007-10-03T01:43:00

2007-10-02T23:59:47Z

i am sick of this. and myself.

i just need to sort things out but when i finally sit myself down... i just feel so clouded. i have a major headache. i've had this headache all day. i embarrass myself. i cried in front of my teacher today. she asked if i was ok... she asked how i was... and i started crying. i even left the beginning of her class to talk to a coordinator about how i could get a hold of anti-depressants. i cried there too.

honestly, it sounds easy. taking pills sounds like the easy way out. but all this... wondering if i really just cannot handle what life throws at me... wondering how much of this is my fault. maybe i'm too weak... i know i'm too dependent. just hoping and praying for christmas time to come around because then i'll be with my family. i miss them so much. i miss my parents. i miss my brothers.

then there's school. i get so frustrated. i lose interest. i hold on to keywords, then find myself rewriting the same thing over and over again. i don't know what i'm doing. it frustrates the hell out of me. i'm jealous of my friends in lyon. i want them. i like them. i would hang out with them.

i'm ridiculous and complainy.

but this headache won't go away unless i fall asleep. and i'll be on the tram or walking and just want to start crying. i know the symptoms. i've been told the symptoms over and over again.

i want validation that this is okay. i don't it want to be thought of "my little moods" or something i'm too weak to get over. i know what taking anti-depressants can do to me. there's a reason why i wanted to stop talking them. i wanted to feel like normal people feel. but if i'm feeling an exaggerated version for what's been more than a week, you can't expect me to do this. i can't keep going on like this.

but don't worry. because i have my limits. and it's because of them that i have limits. i miss them so much.

cappascap @ 2007-08-17T01:17:00

2007-08-17T08:51:06Z

so today is friday. i leave sunday for france. ooooh, scary.

in any case, i really want to bring back french wine for my 11th grade english teacher. as for if he even likes wine, i don't give a fuck. i'm just suprised i've kept in contact with him. and when he opens it and goes, "what the fuck, jocelyn. you can't have alcohol on school grounds," i'll say, "what-eva, i do what i want. besides, i don't have the alchie, you do." hahaha, of course i'd say that. going back to his class is like christmas a little. maybe even a little better since my christmas gifts are usually something that the person doesn't know they're getting for me. i got boxes and peanut brittle last christmas. i wanted to cry. at least in my teacher's class, i get music and swag. yeahh, swag. and if everything sucks, i can mock that, too.

i just learned so much in that class. definitely one of my favorite classes. like mr. woodson's class. awww, nice man.

so i went to my little brother's elementary school today so we could find out which class he would be in. they didn't have it, buuuut i did see robert, the janitor when i was there. sooo crazy. there's construction everywhere. little kids get to play in dirt for recess. it's lame. anyway, robert looked exactly the same. it was crazy. it made me feel so small again. like i was in kindergarten.

i'm glad celia is here. i'll get to hang out with her for a day before i leave. very good. i haven't hung out with anyone. no friends. whatever. it's a good time to leave. i'm getting sick doing everything my mom says and her ability to just treat me so.... you know, it's so easy to treat the people you live with, poorly. especially if it's your family. i'm tired of feeling helpless. and i'm tired of feeling like i can't sing because my mom doesn't recognize it. i just really scared that one day i'm going to wake up and realize that i'm the one living my life when everything i did was for her and her approval.

i suppose that these things happen for a reason. your environment shapes the person you become. i just feel so weak. i don't feel like i'm prepared or suited for real life - whatever that is. i'm just a brat who doesn't have to get a job and earn her own money, whose parents put off driving and the ability to drive away from them, and who's just handed life. these people who have harder lives than me, i'm not saying it's okay or that you're lucky. i'm just saying that in a few years from now, after college, you'll be more prepared. it's good.

for as long as i can remember, i have always wanted a challenge. and i don't really feel like anything has lived up to my demands until college. it's great, though it's definitely slowing me down and asking for less. i have no idea what i'll do with myself. i've been thinking anchorwoman or kindergarten teacher. i think anchorpeople make more money. i don't know.

final thought? if my mom prevents my ability to take my brothers to watch superbad, i will be superpissed. my brothers. je suis tres protective.

cappascap @ 2007-08-08T13:35:00

2007-08-08T21:00:14Z

I like my jaguar suitcase. It's pretty.

Anyway, I had a dream I said sorry to Liz. I'm pretty pathetic. I've thought about it, lately. I'm just a very stubborn person. I don't practice what I preach. I think, one mistake should not ruin your life. You shouldn't abandon someone because of one thing. I do believe in that. As stubborn as I am, and against all protest, I do give people a second chance. So why is it that I have made so many... I don't even know what to call them. Enemies? Ex-friends? That sounds better. I started caring for these people enough to try really hard not to hurt them, even if it kills me inside. I try to withstand their flaws to the point where it all builds up. If it isn't their flaws, it's their ego, or their negativity, or their naivity... which are flaws, I guess.

I try to not let so much get to me. Breath in with the good and out with the bad. Yes, I constantly bitch about assholes who get the best of me. But you know who should get the best of me? My friends and family - the people I care about. Sometimes though, these people are my friends and family. I talked some time with my psychologist about my inability to get along with women dealing with the fact that I can't deal with confrontation. I've never really argued with my mom and we don't really talk. And when she yells at me, she yells at me. I can't really get a word in edgewise. So this extends to the rest of the world because I can't tell someone when something they do bothers me. It drives me crazy. I still have assertiveness papers. My flaw. I should start reading them.

Some other time.